I Remember

1. Little mermaid Velcro sneakers
2. Jonathan born
3. Walking the elementary school track with Lacy
4. Walnut Hill
5. Mom cutting up clothes
6. Crying in the middle school lobby
7. Georgia to Alabama
8. Brandy cries on Christmas
9. Bedridden
10. Diagnosis
11. Medication
12. Family fight 
13. Blake coming over, freezing outside, not allowed in
14. Starting high school
15. Pixie cut
16. The King and I
17. Back of cop car
18. The ghost of juvie
19. Alternative school
20. Graduating valedictorian, no chords
21. UHP acceptance letter
22. Social justice Birmingham
23. Back of cop car take 2
24. Courthouse
25. Moving into apartment

I remember not knowing how to give him directions to my house. I remember asking Holley to help me tell him where I lived. I remember his mom’s blue minivan that didn’t seem to match his personality. I remember realizing that he even had a mother that would be bringing him to my house. I remember his grey and black jacket with the fur-lined hood that I later learned was a gift. I remember his unnaturally dark black hair and the way it fell past his shoulders .I remember that it used to be purple, just to make people laugh.  I remember saying “let’s take a walk” before he even got a foot in the door. I remember it was the coldest November in recent memory. I remember sitting on the curb and the hum of the transformer. I remember him holding my cold hand even though I couldn’t feel my fingertips. I remember the open house for sale in my neighborhood and the way we crept inside. I remember when he kissed me for the second time. I remember our lips were chapped but we were 14 and didn’t care. I remember two weeks earlier when he held my hand Halloween night. I remember sneaking out of Anna’s house to meet him at the park. I remember him giving me that grey and black jacket with the warm fleece interior. I remember being scared all the time.  I remember being scared he would like me and I remember being scared that he wouldn’t. I remember writing him notes with little doodles of us and who we would be one day. I remember when I broke up with you because mamma says only good Christian boys are worth talking to. I remember how she manipulated me and I remember how you said you loved me for the first time.

I don’t remember why I thought meeting my family would be your first and last visit to my house. I don’t remember why I thought that house was inescapable and that we had no future. 

I remember you teaching me that I am more than my family and more than my past. I remember growing up with you and finally escaping. I remember sleeping beside you in our bed last night and I remember kissing you goodbye when I left for class this morning.